In case you haven’t noticed, the blog has been pretty dry because the old Alexa showed back up, pretty hard.
The ol’ gal Lex likes to show up in forms of fear, self loathing, and looks like a “lost Vegas”; desolate and with nothing to offer. No jackpot here!
But I’m sober!
I would say, crying and stomping my feet. 25 year olds having temper tantrums are not cute (picture below).
So now what? I’m really good at telling everyone about this amazing guy named Jesus, and yet when I start to feel good, I tell Jesus to back off. “Yeah, I’m good buddy! I’ll talk to You when I need ya! Ard bet.”
I’d hang up on Jesus a few times, and lately I’ve been hitting the “F U” button daily when He calls.
Funny thing is, Jesus shows up wether I want Him there or not. Lately He shows up in my friends who work for Him. They remind me, and ask “What’s going on with you and Jesus lately? You seem to be ignoring Him.”
I roll my eyes, because that’s what I do. I’m an eye roller when I don’t hear things I like. Demons roll their eyes too. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeck. Demon possessed Alexa is not trendy, sexy, or something to be around.
It takes a long time for me to realize that there is something festering inside me that isn’t God. Even when someone points out that I’m rolling my eyes, ignoring them, or being a selfish brat dismissing their truth telling, I can’t hear God.
“Alexa, you’re deaf”
It was this phrase that I heard, after days and days and days of God’s agents attempting to give me soul antibiotics, that I heard God clearly. I’m deaf.
What can I do to hear Him again? Thank God for a 10th step. I needed to recheck myself.
Disclaimer: I hate 10th Steps. I hate them. It reminds me that I am not God nor am I perfect; and while I should find comfort in that, I don’t like to admit I’m wrong.
So while writing out a 10th Step inventory, I started just crying, because it was painful. I felt my entire being immediately go into withdraw from the demon that I let hide inside me. My heart, my gut, and my soul were in agony. In this instance, there are only two options, to keep praying, pray through the pain, pray through the selfishness or get high.
So I used my pen until I couldn’t write anymore, and then I sat on the floor and cried in prayer.
It’s uncomfortable sometimes for me to go back to Jesus, because the guilt takes over on what I should have been doing all along. But that’s not the point, and that’s not Jesus.
Jesus just wants me to come back when I have walked away.
Full of my sin, full of myself, and full of shit, so I then can be wiped clean. And I am only wiped clean through Him, and the greatest way to show my gratefulness and “feel” the cleansing is through action.
Thank You Jesus for your grace… thank You for the expulsion of sin that is called Alexa. Rid me of myself, I belong to You.
To get closer to my Creator, I am fasting from social media. This happens to immediately get posted to Facebook, but it’s not something I will be checking until God sees fit.
I need to get back to the feet of my Creator, and not the mirror that I’ve been staring at.
The odyssey of faith is always a dangerous one.