Fear and Loathing in Kensington

In case you haven’t noticed, the blog has been pretty dry because the old Alexa showed back up, pretty hard.

The ol’ gal Lex likes to show up in forms of fear, self loathing, and looks like a “lost Vegas”; desolate and with nothing to offer. No jackpot here!

But I’m sober!

I would say, crying and stomping my feet. 25 year olds having temper tantrums are not cute (picture below).

So now what? I’m really good at telling everyone about this amazing guy named Jesus, and yet when I start to feel good, I tell Jesus to back off. “Yeah, I’m good buddy! I’ll talk to You when I need ya! Ard bet.”

I’d hang up on Jesus a few times, and lately I’ve been hitting the “F U” button daily when He calls.

Funny thing is, Jesus shows up wether I want Him there or not. Lately He shows up in my friends who work for Him. They remind me, and ask “What’s going on with you and Jesus lately? You seem to be ignoring Him.”

I roll my eyes, because that’s what I do. I’m an eye roller when I don’t hear things I like. Demons roll their eyes too. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeck. Demon possessed Alexa is not trendy, sexy, or something to be around.

It takes a long time for me to realize that there is something festering inside me that isn’t God. Even when someone points out that I’m rolling my eyes, ignoring them, or being a selfish brat dismissing their truth telling, I can’t hear God.

“Alexa, you’re deaf”

It was this phrase that I heard, after days and days and days of God’s agents attempting to give me soul antibiotics, that I heard God clearly. I’m deaf.

What can I do to hear Him again? Thank God for a 10th step. I needed to recheck myself.

Disclaimer: I hate 10th Steps. I hate them. It reminds me that I am not God nor am I perfect; and while I should find comfort in that, I don’t like to admit I’m wrong.

So while writing out a 10th Step inventory, I started just crying, because it was painful. I felt my entire being immediately go into withdraw from the demon that I let hide inside me. My heart, my gut, and my soul were in agony. In this instance, there are only two options, to keep praying, pray through the pain, pray through the selfishness or get high.

So I used my pen until I couldn’t write anymore, and then I sat on the floor and cried in prayer.

It’s uncomfortable sometimes for me to go back to Jesus, because the guilt takes over on what I should have been doing all along. But that’s not the point, and that’s not Jesus.

Jesus just wants me to come back when I have walked away.

Full of my sin, full of myself, and full of shit, so I then can be wiped clean. And I am only wiped clean through Him, and the greatest way to show my gratefulness and “feel” the cleansing is through action.

Thank You Jesus for your grace… thank You for the expulsion of sin that is called Alexa. Rid me of myself, I belong to You.

To get closer to my Creator, I am fasting from social media. This happens to immediately get posted to Facebook, but it’s not something I will be checking until God sees fit.

I need to get back to the feet of my Creator, and not the mirror that I’ve been staring at.

The odyssey of faith is always a dangerous one.

✨alexa✨

Advertisements

Death: My Favorite Professor

If someone were to tell me that if I picked up heroin, that I would lose a lot of friends, I’d probably take the gamble and say “not my friends”.

Before I picked up at the age of 20, I only lost two people that were extremely close to me; both my grandmas.

When I lost my grandma Joyce (dad’s mom), it was confusing. I was 17, I didn’t understand what was going on, I knew she was dying, and I didn’t know how to express the pain I felt. There was instantly this void… as if you felt her spirit just disappear from this plane. The world felt lonely; she died on Valentine’s Day.

I remember being the one to receive the phone call, the call was supposed to go along the lines of “this is it, come quick”, but instead, I heard the last breaths, a gasp on the phone from my dad’s girlfriend, and tears. She was gone.

It’s weird, I thought about my dad instantly. What would he do? How would he cope? My grandma Joyce was my dads biggest support, and probably the family enabler. With that mindset, I panicked,

My moms, mom, Grandma Trisha, was the only one “left” so to speak. Grandma Trish and I had an extremely special, close knit bond. Even writing this now, I can’t help but to have tears flood to my eyes. My Grandma Trisha was a breast cancer survivor and a warrior in my eyes for life. A few months after my Grandma Joyce died, I found out that my Grandma Trisha had uterine cancer, and it wasn’t good.

My alcoholism started before I picked up a drink and put it to my lips, and way before I put a straw to my nose. This is where it gets difficult.

The privilege problems my family has are going to Maine every summer for two months, to get away from the hustle and bustle of NJ. My summer of my Junior going into Senior year, I wasn’t going to Maine, but instead take my grandma Trish to chemo treatments.

Denial set in really hard. I would take her to these treatments multiple times a week, thinking they were just routine appointments, nothing special, nothing to be apart of. I didn’t want to say to myself that she was dying, and yet I was witnessing it first hand.

My grandma Trish at the end of her life lived in the Pocono Mountains in this beautiful setting that words don’t do justice. I’ve never seen grass that green, Bambi up close, and birds of all different varieties.

I remember her begging me to take her to the Poconos, to drive her up there. I was selfish to the core, and begrudgingly fought a woman with stage 4 cancer who I said I loved about going to her favorite place.

That same year, two days before Christmas, she died while I was at my family party.

Death has always been delusional to me, something my family never talked about, just something that “happened” and you have to instantly move on from it. Erase it. Erase them from your memory so you can keep going.

Stuck was an understatement.

I don’t blame my family for this, I just eventually learned my own conception of death, and that was brought by my addiction.

When I started using, I remember the first time I nodded out and recognized the potential of death. It was exhilarating to be so close to dying, to feel a high I’ve never felt, to dance with death and survive it.

I became more curious about death, and what it was really about. How does the body decay? What happens to our body? What’s the process? Is a dead body dangerous? Do we have to have a funeral?

So many questions, and I began to do my research.

I’m not going to expel my views on death, and arrangements after it, however, I am going to thank heroin for showing me what it means to live a life worth naturally dying for.

When I came into the rooms of AA I didn’t know how many people I would come to know and get close with, die. In my active addiction I never had someone close to me die of anything drug related. Let alone die.

A drug related death makes me grateful for my friends that are sober… especially the ones who constantly work for God and share this freedom with another one of us.

When an overdose occurs it takes me back to the shit I put my family through… the constant fear of what the hell is going on?

This reminder, through a sacrifice of a human life, provides me the gravity of my situation of what can happen if I decide to go out again. Not only the effects on my physical body, but the people around me.

For death, while we can study on the ways we can stay alive longer, eventually we will pass on, wether by our own hand or God’s. There is no controlling the time, manipulating our vices to get one over on death.

Death, wether a dance partner, or a topic we want to avoid, is something all of us should be educated on.

I’m grateful I’m alive.

I’m grateful to be sober.

I’m even more grateful to be free.

I accept death as it is; a part of life.

✨alexa✨

Death

I apologize for not writing

I can’t seem to put sentences together

The words just seem to fall into my finger tips

And I place them on the screen…

Fuck.

I hope you feel the sweet release you were searching for.

My heart is heavy.

I’ll be back into action soon.

Narcan doesn’t work.

After reading the title, it brought you to click on the page and wonder “what the hell does she know”?!

It’s true, Narcan doesn’t work.

Hear me out. Don’t worry, this isn’t a long rant and rave about big pharma; it’s a lot worse and may just leave you feeling you just got hit with a few doses of the opiate reversing drug.

Put on your big gender neutral panties, we’re getting spiritual.

When I was getting high, I didn’t give a shit if I was going to die or not. I was hoping for death after every bag I went through, “God, please don’t let me live through this one”. I always woke up after nodding out, said the same prayer on my way to my dealer and here I am.

I carried Narcan in my addiction, but it wasn’t for me. Considering I was in a relationship with someone using as well, I had it for them, selfishly.

If I can’t die, neither can you.

That’s why I carried Narcan.

Thank God I never had to use my Narcan on anyone; it was just this luxury, ego-inflating tool, to say: “Look at me! I’m helping people!”

I was recently told that in the state of Pennsylvania, or more specifically in Kensington, legally, EMT’s don’t need to administer any more than 2 shots of Narcan. So if you’re one who got hit with Narcan more than twice, consider yourself blessed, because you could have just stayed dead.

Funny.. well, funny not funny, but, you go from overdosing on heroin/opiates and then you “last long enough” for the EMTs to get there, they hit you more than twice and you wake up PISSED because now you’re: 1) alive, 2) in severe withdraw and 3) now you need to get more.

INSANE, RIGHT!!? Not to us.

Clearly, dying, reviving, and being super sober doesn’t keep you there. If you’re a good addict, you deny the ambulance ride, refuse to go to the hospital, and pray the good old foxhole prayer “God please let me have $5 in my pockets, please let there be money… please God don’t let me find out someone ran my pockets”.

This is why Narcan doesn’t work…

If you’re in my neck of the woods, overdosed and out of it, your pockets are getting run through, you’re most likely going to lose your shoes, your EBT card is mine, and I’m selling your cell phone (if you still have one). Oh and if you’re dying in an abando, I’m now pulling you out by your feet outside so I can now be queen of the shit and work infested abode to live in. You’re not my issue, not my concern. Me, me, me, me, me!

… Narcan doesn’t wake you up from your selfishness.

Ah yes, selfishness.

Okay, raise your hand if you got slightly offended when you read that… come on… higher… okay there we go. I had the same problem too. I couldn’t even begin to say that I was self-absorbed and suffered from a disease rooted in selfishness. That’s alcoholism.

In fact, as I’ve stated in this blog before, I have been an addict long before I picked up.

What’s the point of Narcan then?

I was going to write out some super eloquent way to say this, but nah, it’s gotta come out like this: the point of Narcan is because God saw fit for you, the selfish sinner like me, to have another shot (no pun intended) at this.

As alcoholics and addicts, we were designed to be different. The Doctors Opinion was the pivotal moment when I realized that my mind is abnormal as my body (Alcoholics Anonymous, xxvi). This is when explaining this to someone gets weird and tricky and I get the question (often)…

How am I blessed to be an addict?

James 5:20

19 My Christian brothers, if any of you should be led away from the truth, let someone turn him back again. 20 That person should know that if he turns a sinner from the wrong way, he will save the sinner’s soul from death and many sins will be forgiven.

The truth is, you were meant for so much more, and the enemy was using you to divert you from your purpose. Since God is all knowing, He loves you so much, that He decided to make waves in your life so you could come back to the truth.

Has there ever been a moment where you wanted to kill yourself, had it all planned out, ready to do the deal, and then you hear this voice in your head to “get high instead”? Maybe you were stone cold sober, noose tied, and heard the voice, and something happened.

Yeah, that’s God for you. Very weird, huh. Almost unbelievable. It’s usually the most radical, out of the box things that we want to say aren’t God, that are actually of Him.

When you take the 12 Steps and apply the spiritual principles to all of your affairs, you may be agreeing with what I just said above. If you do, it’s because you’ve been hit with Godcan, and you’re woke to the truth.

Once Godcan was administered, you went to a Gospital and saw some soul surgeons who wanted to free you from the hopeless state of mind and body.

All in all, I know that without Godcan, after overdosing on me so many times, I wouldn’t be free. God can. God does.

Remember in How It Works; we read it in every meeting? The last point: C) God could and would if He were sought.

God can and will. (That’s in the original 1st edition Big Book).

Having had a spiritual awakening, I fully believe the first edition.

This is all I got.

Your favorite basic

✨alexa✨

Fear or Faith?

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I am in fear of if the coffee pot failed to go on; will I be without coffee? Does that mean I’ll have to spend an extra five minutes to actually get up and make coffee?

I take a deep breath, awaiting the answer, and it’s usually by smell… ahhh single origin Ethiopian roast.

Fear is immediately gone especially by the first sip. Tangible confirmation that the coffee is in fact done and it is good and well with my morning soul.

Death before decaf!!

When I came into the rooms of AA, I had a lot of fears, some extremely stupid; Samara from the Ring, accidentally wearing white before Memorial Day, or God forbid, drinking Maxwell House coffee. The last one though, that’s a real fear.

Besides the funny fears, I had a lot of real ones too; intangible and very real fears. These fears manifested way before I picked up the first drink or drug and they definitely lasted even after a few months sober. It wasn’t until I started going through my steps in the AA program when I realized that these fears were just the lack of God.

OK, so now what…

My biggest problem is that I’m very self-aware. And by being very self-aware it also promotes me to being extremely lazy (for sure one of the best procrastinators that you will know). So with that being said, I now know that my fears are based on a spiritual void and I’m too lazy to do anything about it. That was me, at about 4 months sober, wondering why this AA thing wasn’t working for me like it did everyone else.

Action. That was what I was missing. Funny, realizing that action was the thing that I was missing, gave me my spiritual awakening. I always wondered my entire life, why I could always understand something but nothing ever changed. Well nothing ever changed because I never did anything with what I learned. I mostly just let it manifest in my head until I forgot about it until something else took place. For me, it kind of makes sense as to why I picked up, I couldn’t stop my thoughts, but drugs, drugs definitely did. That was my action to my thinking, putting a straw up my nose and inhaling.

So jumping back to my fears list, I shared with a group of recovered alcoholics what they were and I learned some truths about myself.

I posted on here, my 4 month sober me, fears list, and I did that because well, this just reminds me of how I now implement God in my life rather than stay in fear.

As you can see, I was constantly afraid of what people thought about me and maintaining friendships. How can I be a friend? I don’t even know how to be one! Will they like me? Am I even likable? Do I belong here? AH! 😰

Matthew 6:34

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

First off, I wasn’t even living in the present. Acceptance. Powerlessness. I need to understand that this is where I am right now and the feelings that I feel are validated, and it’s how I act on them that brings me closer to God or closer to a drink. Everything outside my fingertips I cannot control. I can only control my actions and what I do with the thoughts that accompany it. Being very honest, it took months of me sitting on this information to do anything with it. I wasn’t with it, I was terrified that if I accepted God into my life that I wouldn’t have any friends and no one would like me -a reoccurring theme throughout my life. It took to majorly fucking up, sober, at The Last Stop, hurting many people, especially one in particular to make me realize

I’m going to get fucking high if I don’t take action… and that is when I invited Jesus into my fearful heart.

That day I traded fear for faith.

Isaiah 43:1

1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

It took me 6 months of being sober to truly surrender to accept God into my recovery. And man oh man, I can’t turn back. The fears list slowly started to dissipate as I prayed on them, asking Jesus to take my fearful heart and make it new. I knew that if “nothin changes, nothin changes”. So, I walked alone for a while with a spiritual guide to understand my Creator and how He made me. I found of group of amazing brothers and sisters called the GodSquad who free others and put their hand in God’s. We are the misfit disciples that want others to feel the freedom that we have received from our radical God.

Sounds crazy, right?

Well, it’s because it is. As an alcoholic or addict it is wired for us to do the opposite of what God wants us to do… to realize the blessing of our misery of sobriety, we have turned it into our ministry.

I share the fear and faith because it takes a giant leap. You are literally leaving everything you know for the unknown. If I never said “I’m all in for You”, I wouldn’t be the girl suffering from Maxwell Coffee House blend coffee 😉 and accepting the privilege problem.

God, You are so good.

If you’re reading, and are ready to leave your life for a new one, get with us.

Your favorite basic GodSquad member,

✨alexa✨

I am a Capacitor

The struggle seems very real today, and that's just being honest.

I hate admitting "defeat"; this moment where I throw my hands up and say "I can't do this, not today!" I struggle with saying "no" because I thought that I always had to say "yes". Say yes to more hours at work, say yes to being called in, say yes when someone asks for help, say yes when you're asked to do something… you get the picture.

When is saying "no" okay?

My problem is, I want to be viewed as perfect.. I'm always working, get asked to work, people ask me for help, I dress great, I love doing make up… appearances; and yet while I'm so ready to help someone else's insides, I forget about my own because "I look like I'm doing okay." As long as that perception looks okay, I'm good.

I noticed that when I come to the conclusion to say "no" it's usually after I meditated and sought God about it. I ask God, "God where do YOU want me to be today.. how can I better serve YOU… am I being faithful to my own brothers and sisters by doing this?"

I don't like saying no, and I usually fight God on the issue and say yes to whatever it is anyway, believing that this is what He wants me to do -even though it's been pretty clear cut on what I should be doing.

Yes, helping people is awesome! But if you're spiritually dead (works without faith, or just bare minimum) am I really of any help to anyone? If I'm at work, working and contemplating on putting a needle in my neck, am I really being a suitable employee or a child of God? I just wanted to look good, by doing "good" when in reality it was just irrational and defying God.

While I'm not looking to use, I just feel so drained, so out of it. I've been comparing myself to a battery, and yet someone told me this morning that that's why I'm so drained.

Wait, what?

"Alexa you're comparing yourself to a battery because you always let yourself go 'dead', recharging when you're at 1%… you need to learn how to be a capacitor."

Uhm, a what? A capacitor.

Let's break this down. A battery just stores energy, a capacitor constantly moves energy. I was just storing energy, letting it be released at mass quantities until I felt like I wanted to kill myself. A capacitor constantly moves energy, moving high and low energy at different rates, in the electric field rather than the battery, a chemical one. Energy in a capacitor is always there, just moving.

Dang. So here was the question being posed to me, do I want to live a life where I need to be constantly "recharged" or learn how to manage my energy?

That's when it hit me. It's okay to say no.

Even Jesus had to tell His disciples to go off and be by themselves so He could manage His energy.

Luke 5:16

16 But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.

If the King of Kings can learn how to manage, so can I, and sometimes it's as simple as a two letter phrase.

So I did something very uncomfortable today. I called out of work because I felt like if I walked out of my doors, I would poison myself, or worse, the people around me. With that being said, and after a lot of meditation, I came to the conclusion that maybe working 55+ hours a week is also getting to me too. I am not a battery, I am a spiritual capacitor.

I'm only sharing this information because at some point you may feel like me and wondering if when you signed up for recovery, if you signed up to always say yes.

It's okay to say no, Alexa. It's okay to say no; to bail, and to keep it moving. Life has proven itself time and time again that it will continue to move on, even when I don't want it too.

To be honest with you reader, I don't like putting myself out there like this because it makes this very real; I am not perfect and nor will I ever be. But ya know what, that's okay. I just gotta get okay with it.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So ask yourself this:

  • Are you a battery or a capacitor today?
  • How are you distributing your energy in your life?
  • Do you focus in on one area and are "drained" in the rest?
  • When are you allowing God to say no?

Xoxo your favorite basic,
✨Alexa ✨

✨feels like the first time…🎶

Well, I caved. Happy mom? I got a blog.

After a million characters, hundreds of good morning texts, over saturated Facebook posts about sobriety (and let's keep this real, early so-dry-iety), I was encouraged to start a blog.

When I hear the word blog, I instantly roll my eyes (not unusual for me), and think of how ego inflating blogs are. A hipster way of seeking attention, so obviously, this is perfect for me! Just don't tell Frank (my sponsor).

Ah yes, sponsor… did you catch that? No, Frank doesn't pay for my over spending at Starbucks, I'm not wearing "Frank" advertisements on my person; Frank is an old man who helped me along my spiritual journey by taking 12 Steps. The 12 Step program I am in has radically changed my life, and because of it, I continually seek out my Creator and practice a few simple principles.

Before you click out of this page already, (GIVE ME A CHANCE GOSH DERNIT), you should know that I don't know what I'm doing. This whole being clean, sober, drug and alcohol free thing is a super new and foreign concept to me. I love drugs. I love heroin. I love opiates! I love love love getting outside of myself. I am a junkie queen. I am also a snobby spoiled brat too, even occasionally in my sobriety. Okay, I know the boyfriend is reading, even often in my sobriety… hey it's progress not perfection babe!

So how did a girl from the sticks of Allentown, NJ end up in Kensington getting sober? Well. I guess you'll have to read the next post.

Till then..

✨your favorite basic white girl✨

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑